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11 months ago
A battle within a dream
What have become of me? Why have I changed to become such a person that I am now?
I’m tired. Tired of pretense. Tired of falsifying things. Tired of this.
I used to think that I am a better person than the average man. But I was wrong. I am just the same. Just the usual guy who try to lift himself above others just because he has ego the size of Mars.
I hate this part of me. I hate this visor that I see in myself. I hate to see myself destroying my own life. Friends - gone; career - gone; future - gone.
All these realization from a tear. A tear from someone deep in my life. Someone lost forever. How much more do I want to take away from myself?
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1 year ago
All I know
Why does it seem that I’m the only commuter in this packed train? Why does it feel like I’m greyed out among the colours?
Between the light and darkness during dawn and dusk, is just a fine line. Between right and wrong, is just a boundary we unknowingly cross.
For all I have, I held on none. For all I’ve not, I wish for none.
A dreary wish to find the joy, Within air I search and find. Abounds to many but unwanted, Only little I loved to see.
Hopeful, wishful, Hoping wishing. All effort spent, Gained nothing but pain.
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1 year ago
The subtle happiness
It has been a week since I last went home. One week may not seem much, but it’s a burden I carry. Daddy’s home all alone - retired and making the best of his days. Mommy’s still working. Still traveling 2 hours to get to work, and 3 hours back home. As a child, it pains me to see them in such a way.
Daddy’s condition has been a little unstable recently. He has difficulty breathing sometimes, which worries me. Because I’m not at home to be there should anything happen. It hurts to know that you can’t be there for someone who has always been there for you since you were born.
Though Daddy isn’t always easy on me. When I drive, he would question all my decisions, and still gives me driving lessons. Annoying at times, but gesture understood. When I’m around and doing work on my computer, he would come into my room and talk to me. To share with me the ideas and architecture examples he saw on Discovery Channel and National Geographic. Then he moves on about family updates; to update me about the latest family news.
At times like these, while he speaks, I feel a certain comfort. It feels like someone is there to look out for me no matter what. For a son, it is the greatest peace. For a father, it is the greatest gift.
When I look at Mommy, her love for me seem endless, despite her temper sometimes. When I meet her out for lunch during my attachment period, it was a joy. Because I could be myself around her. It was a getaway from the office and colleagues.
Now, I feel indebted to her. For the allowances, for the tuition fees, for the luxury that I have; all of it came from her sweat and tears. I worry for the current generation of adolescences and children. It seems they take things all for granted. Do they really understand hardships that our parents face? Going to work then, and going to work now are two different things. Now we have efficient public transport, and we still complain. Back then, they either walked, or cycled.
We have to feel for the sacrifices our parents made for us. Daddy once told me his dream was to own a Hi-Fi Stereo set, but it was pricey back then. Now it has become affordable, but he still wouldn’t buy it. He said that the money could be saved for my University fees, or perhaps my future marriage. Dreams were sacrificed.
Despite their hardness, despite their discipline, I have loving parents who supported me all the way. I wouldn’t ask for a more well-off family. Mine is just perfect.
“If you prayed for patience, would God zap you with patience immediately? Or will he give you the opportunity to be patient? If you prayed for courage, would God send down his angels and fill you with bravery? Or will he give you the opportunity to be courageous? If you ask for your family to be closer, would God fill the entire family with warm fuzzy feelings? Or will he give you the opportunity to bring your family closer together?”
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1 year ago
The pain, the beauty; the fading of it all
The sun shines on me;
Glimmering off the clouds.
Shades of gray assembled,
A roar echoed.Darkness loomed beforehand,
Sparks of light shone.
Tears came falling from the skies,
Easy at first, more to come.Pitter-patter on the roads,
On the roofs and on the floors.
Splashing on and on, it seems,
No end of it all is seen.Feelings so dull,
Solemn and gray.
Absence of joy flowed,
Inside and outside.Touching the splashes,
tasting the tears.
Reminds me of how it used to be,
How it feels to pour everything out.Emotions felt,
Nature intended.
Gives us experience,
Takes back none.Clouds dispersed,
Sun arose.
Tears dried up,
Time to go.Heart refreshed,
Soul enlightened,
Body relieved,
Mind empowered.Walking back to whence I came,
Leaving behind a single gain.
A gift so powerful no one holds,
A gift of love that once was told.Pain and heartache diffused me,
Hung my soul up high.
Distractions withhold me,
Sadness relieves pain. -
Notes: 1 / 1 year ago
I found no joy, found no reason, found no foundation in my past. Nothing except lessons learnt.
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1 year ago
Just learnt a new analogy today. Thought I might share:
Women are like fine wine. The first taste is often bittersweet. Then it takes a while for the flavor to set in. The second taste is for the savoring of flavor again, to enjoy the taste once more. Then the romance mood sets in. The following sips are for the aroma to fully captivate our mind and soul. By then, we are drunk in its sweet enchanted aroma. What about the guys, you ask? Well, every good wine comes with crackers.
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1 year ago
Behind every tear, is a reason.
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1 year ago
How did I fall in love with you?
Remember when we never needed each other,
The best of friends like sisters and brothers.
We understood, we’d never be alone.
Those days are gone, and I want you so much.
The night is long and I need your touch.
Don’t know what to say, I never meant to feel this way.
Don’t want to be alone tonight.
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
I hear your voice, and I start to tremble.
Brings back the child that I resemble.
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends.
Don’t want to be alone tonight.
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
Oh, I want to say this right, and it has to be tonight.
Just need you to know…
I don’t want to live this life;
I don’t want to say goodbye.
With you I wanna spend the rest of my life.
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
Everything’s changed, we never knew.
How did I fall in love with you -
1 year ago
A picture says a thousand words.
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1 year ago
Sometimes we don’t think about what we do because they happen naturally. We don’t think about the things we do day in day out because that is part of our everyday routine. But how often do we sit down, and understand what’s going on. I guess that’s my problem. I don’t think what I do and say. It just happens.
It’s part of nature I guess? “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” How I misjudged myself. But amazingly, I still get by. Not one day have gone past without me thinking about the ripples of my decisions and the consequences of my actions, regardless how trivial and benign. Till this day, my biggest regret is that we couldn’t work things out while we still could. I’m sorry.
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1 year ago
A line in between
It was a hot and humid afternoon. The sun blazing upon the streets. Heatwaves rose from the ground, and for a moment, you would thought that rain will never come again for the next decade.
In the subway, people were using newspapers to fan themselves, trying to get even a tiniest bit of breeze to cool off. Frustration arose. Everyone was sweating. Then, as the train stopped at the next station, a man walked in with two children. As soon as the children entered, they ran around the cabin, making noises and wreaking havoc all around. The man seem to have not known the children, even though before entering the train, the man held his arms around them. He simply found a seat and slept.
The passengers were getting agitated by the sudden new level of irritation. Commuters looked at the children with frowns, and some others tried to ignore the shrieks and screams of the kids. The children didn’t seem to worry if anyone would scold or shout at them. The man, presumably their father, just lazed there, eyes closed, slouched to a side, head lowered and arms crossed.
Finally, a man in the cabin couldn’t stand the noise anymore, and walked over to the neglectful father. “Excuse me, sir,” the man confronted, “but your children are making a scene. It’s disturbing all the passengers, and for goodness sake, why aren’t you doing anything about it?”
The father awoke to a shock, and looked up at the angry commuter with weary eyes. He slowly lowered his head again and softly explained, “I’m sorry, sir. But their mother died this morning. I’ve been up the whole night at the hospital, and the children just thought that their mom was just sleeping.”
“So I,” he exhaled, “I don’t know how to tell them. I don’t know how to explain to them. I don’t know what I can do. I’m sorry for the children’s misbehaviors. I’m just at a loss of what to do.”
The man was taken aback by what he said, and immediately answered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Is there something I can help with?”
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1 year ago
The orchid among roses.
Nowadays, I see people. Not just simply people. People with their lives, ambitions; people trying to achieve success, while trying a futile attempt to create a balance between work and play. People trying to make something of themselves. People placing themselves above others. People compromising their integrity for rewards. People suffering alone. People watching others fall, both literally and metaphorically. People rushing for things they do not lack, desire for things they do not need; neglecting things they should want, forgetting things they often need.
I suppose that’s how our world is slowly transforming, engulfing the society with the endless cycle of materialistic goals. In the past, having a degree was terrific; now it’s simply another educational level. In the past, owning a car was great; now it’s simply part of life. While we often have to move forward, embrace technology, embrace change and upgrade the standard of living we all have, we shouldn’t forget the basis of our fundamentals; the core and reason why we are living.
I read from a book entitled “Have a little faith” by Mitch Albom, and it mentioned this small but meaningful story:
“A little girl came home from school with a drawing she’d made in class. She danced into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing dinner.
” ‘Mom, guess what?’ she squealed, waving the drawing.
“Her mother never looked up.
” ‘What?’ she said, tending to the pots.
” ‘Guess what?’ the child repeated, waving the drawing.
” ‘What?’ the mother said, tending to the plates.
” ‘Mom, you’re not listening.’
” ‘Sweetie, yes I am.’
” ‘Mom,’ the child said, ‘you’re not listening with your eyes.’ “
People rushing for things they do not lack, desire for things they do not need; neglecting things they should want, forgetting things they often need. I was one such person.
Usually, when I see a pretty girl for the first time, I feel attracted. But when I get to know them more, the attraction fades. Like a rose, they are nice to look at, but painful when you get close to them. However, the prettiest girl I have ever seen, was simply someone ordinary when I saw for the first time. But when I got to know her, the attraction grew. Someone ordinary became someone beautiful. Though there are flaws, it all adds up to something perfect through imperfections. Like an orchid, they seem normal when glanced, but gentle, benign, beautiful when you get close to them. Her name was Auby. She was the orchid among roses.
What does the first part have to do with the second, you may wonder? The ultimate success we should strive for is to find the one thing we need the most, to have a happiness you cannot find alone. While the careers and ambitions are vital to our survival and society’s progress, we should never forget our integrity, our own lives, our happiness. We all have to find our orchid among roses; the happiness we cannot find alone; the one thing that tie us back to the ground - the core basis of everything we do.
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1 year ago
Footprints in the sand
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.” -
1 year ago
The meaning of little things
There is a story many years ago of an elementary teacher. Her name was Mrs. Thompson. And as she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.
But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he didn’t play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then putting a big “F” at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s past records and she put Teddy’s off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners…he is a joy to be around.”
His second grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.”
His third grade teacher wrote, “His mother’s death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn’t show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.”
Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, “Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class.”
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy’s. His present which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, “Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.” After the children left she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children..
Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one her “teacher’s pets.”
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came.. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer — the letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.
The story doesn’t end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he’d met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson’s ear, “Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.”
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, “Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.” -
1 year ago
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder
She was not beautiful.
Nothing about her was extraordinary.
Nothing about her made her stand out in a crowd.
She grew up in a family of six.
The eldest, she learnt responsibility at an early age.
As she grew stronger, and brighter,
She instilled a sort of light cheer to whomever she met.
She was not beautiful.
But she made others feel beautiful about themselves.
She meets a rebel boy who thinks he’s all man.
Befriending him, she teaches him how to read,
A little boost the man needed to go to college.
They became friends fast and she fell,
Fast in love with her rugged, handsome student.
The “man” then finds himself in a dilemma
He soon found himself in love with a girl.
A girl so beautiful, she turned even the grouchiest men’s head.
Her hair was a halo of light around her,
Her eyes the bluest blue of ocean.
Like an angel he tells his tutor
Like a beautiful angel.
The girl swallows a lump at her throat
She was not beautiful
She did not possess the heart of the one she loved
But she did not care.
As long as he was happy,
She would be or so she tried to.
She helped him write the most beautiful letter to his angel
All the time envisioning that it was she herself
Receiving those very letters.
And so the girl helped him choose the right words,
Buy the right gifts for his angel
His angel brought him much joy
And much pain to the girl who cried behind her smiles.
But that never stopped her from giving more
Than she will ever receive.
Then one day, all hell broke loose
The angel he loved left him for another man,
A richer, more successful man.
The boy was stunned
He was so hurt he did not speak for days
The girl went to him
He cried on her shoulder and she cried with him
He hurt and so did she.
Time went by.
And so the wounds heal.
The boy realizes something about his friend/tutor
He never realized before.
How her laughter sounded heavenly
Or how her smiles brightened up the darkest days.
Or simply how beautiful, yes beautiful she looked to him!
Beautiful.
This plain, simple girl was beautiful to him.
And he began to fall.
Fall so in love with this beautiful girl.
On one day, he picked up all his courage to see her.
He walked to her house, nervous ad fidgeting.
Running his thoughts over and over in his head.
He was going to tell her how beautiful she was to him.
He was going to tell her how wonderfully n love he was with her.
He knocked.
No one was home.
The next day he found out,
The beautiful girl he fell in love with had brain aneurysm
That put her into a coma.
The doctors were grim and the family decided to let her go.
One final time he got to see her.
He held her hand.
He stroked her hair,
And he cried for this beautiful girl.
He cried for he will never see her smile
Or hear her speak his name
He cried.
But it was too late.
The beautiful girl was buried and the heavens broke out
In a beautiful spring shower, a cry for their loss.
She was the most beautiful girl in the world.
Look around you.
Aren’t there a lot of plain faces?
Take a good look
A real good look or you might miss out
On that beautiful person.
Forever.
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